For a long time I hated the reflection I saw staring back at me in the mirror. There were more times than I can count when I would stare back at myself with hot angry tears streaming down my face thinking 'why does this have to be me?' And it wasn't just my appearance that I despised - it was the person inside too. I did not like myself, it was as plain and as simple as that. I am not even too sure where this dislike came from, as with a lot of young girls it started in my teenage years. Maybe it was because some of the girls in school made fun of me, or made comments under their breath to tease me... sticks and stones will break my bones, and words will always hurt me. I was never slim enough. Never pretty enough. Never popular enough. Never confident, or funny, or outgoing enough. Just. Not. Enough. And I was hard on myself too. Really hard on myself. Well maybe if I wasn't so stupid, or lazy, or awkward then maybe people would like me more, and if people liked me more then maybe, just maybe I'd like me a little more too...
Skip forward a couple of years. The strong distaste and dislike for myself disappeared slowly, and was instead replaced with acceptance. This was me and whether I liked it or not I had to accept it and get over it. I felt... neutral. Numb. I didn't really feel anything about myself, but it felt good because this new neutrality meant that the painful feelings of self hate and loathing were gone. It's like I could finally catch my breath again. Breathe a little easier. Feel a little lighter, and not waste so much damn time trying to diet or fit into a certain size of jeans.
Skip forward a few more years... One night as I drifted off to sleep I had a profound dream - a dream that changed how I felt about myself the moment I woke up. A dream so strong and powerful that I will never forget the details of it. In my dream I walked into a dark room. There were two windows and a silvery moonlight was shining onto the floorboards. The room was completely empty except for a little girl sitting on the floor clutching her knees with her head down, crying. 'Why is she crying?' I asked... 'Because she is not beautiful' said an unfamiliar voice in return. Somehow this voice didn't surprise me because I knew I would get an answer to my question when I decided to ask it. I felt confused, really, really confused. Why would someone who is very clearly beautiful both inside and out, think she wasn't? How I knew this girl was beautiful inside and out I do not know, but I just knew. I was certain of it beyond anything. The moment this thought had fully formed the girl picked her head up slowly and looked at me, tears streaked down her face, her hair messy. I couldn't breathe. It was me, 5 or maybe 6 year old me. Her eyes pierced mine and in that instant I felt myself being pulled backwards out of the room and out of the dream. I woke with a start and gasped for air and cried. I did not feel sad, but instead filled with a love so strong it was overwhelming. It was a love for myself that I had never known before. Ever since that dream I have been more loving and more forgiving towards myself in a way that I did not even know was possible. Perhaps it is because that 5 year old me I saw in the dream is still who I am at my core, and I couldn't bare to see her hurting and so I made a promise to myself, to her, to stop hurting.
I learnt a powerful lesson that night; that self acceptance is not the same as self love, not even close, and that we are all worthy of self love even if we don't realize it. What's more is that all of our self love journeys look entirely different. I was lucky to have such a profound experience that literally changed me overnight while others put in an incredible amount of time and effort into being kinder to themselves. Others yet are just at the beginning of their journey, and may not even realize that they are worthy of loving themselves yet. So let's all be a little kinder to one another. Let's build each other up, and compliment each other. Let's smile at strangers walking down the street, and let's reserve judgement. Everyone has their own journey, their own story, and their own struggles.
If you are struggling with loving yourself at the moment please know you deserve it, you are enough, and you are worth it. Wherever you are in your self love journey is exactly where you need to be, and you will get there eventually.
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